Alarm Fatigue by Barbara Rachel

Author:Barbara Rachel [Rachel, Barbara]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2024-06-26T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 18

My chest is burning by the time I get back through my front door. In the end, I did not, in fact run all the way home. I made it for about two miles and then ordered a ride share for the last mile. After unlocking my door and letting myself back inside, I lean back against the door before sliding down to the floor. I am gutted. I do not want to begin to think about how off-base my thinking on Mark has been. Whatever feelings I have been having on my end of this relationship, the sentiments were clearly not mutual. Or if they were mutual, he is clearly in a relationship with someone else, and that is almost worse.

I just sit for a while, until it feels as though my feet have fallen asleep from the position I am in. Eventually, deciding that I have the energy to pull myself back up, I do so. Glancing at my phone I see two missed calls from Mark. I have zero interest in further embarrassment today, making the decision to turn my phone onto airplane mode, a no-brainer. I head back to my bedroom, peeling everything off, and I put my pajamas back on. Now it feels as though everything hurts, like I suddenly have the flu. Or maybe I suddenly just have a broken heart.

Of course, the ache in my chest is not just about my impromptu race through town in a pencil jean skirt. That must have looked insane. It is the mortification of deluding myself into thinking Mark was on the same planet I was. I have no one to blame but myself for the humiliation of having had all of those feelings for someone who is clearly not reciprocating them. How did it not even occur to me that I could be off-base? I am older than him by years, he was friends with Eli, and he is totally gorgeous. What on earth did I expect him to make of me?

Honestly, now that I am sitting still with my disgrace, I do not know what feels worse: the guilt over pursuing my late husband’s friend, or the fact that I was not even on Mark’s radar as a person of interest. His message to me, apologizing for his behavior that night, must have meant that he had crossed a line that he had not meant to with his dead friend’s wife. He must have just been trying to tell me that he was full of regret over a drunken mistake. When he said he had been waiting years for that moment, I can see now, that must have meant it had occurred to him that I am a woman over the years, but not that he actually wanted anything like that kiss to happen between us.

His intention must have been to apologize for his behavior while intoxicated. Not only that, it is clear now that just because he wanted to kiss me did not mean that he had wanted to be in a relationship with me.

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